In tribute to the Star Wars movie franchise, Odd Moon Media Reviews offers its own candid assessment. Ignoring box office numbers, we will consider each Star Wars film’s watchability.
ANALYSIS:
11. Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker (142 Min.) 2019. Stunningly awful, a more apt title is ‘The Fall of Skywalker.’ By vastly one-upping the eye-rolling plot devices in Return of the Jedi, one viewing of the incoherent Rise is more than enough. Conveniently back-peddling story elements from the controversial Last Jedi, the resulting fan service becomes nonsensical. Further insult is inflicted upon the original trilogy’s icons, as they are again deemed expendable.
Had Disney insisted J.J. Abrams & Co. spend an extra year reworking their incompetent script vs. rushing the film onscreen, it’s reasonable to believe a worthy series finale should have been accomplished. By strip-mining the essence of the first six films, all Rise accomplishes is a ridiculously derivative homage that makes the prequels, as a whole, seem almost inspired.
Note: Given how Rise was supposed to finally conclude the Skywalker Saga, shouldn’t The Last Jedi have made better sense as this movie’s title?
10. Solo : A Star Wars Story (135 Min.) 2018. Casting Alden Ehrenreich as Ben Solo might have sufficed for The Force Awakens, but his weak take on a young Han Solo isn’t even in the same galaxy as Harrison Ford. Donald Glover, Emilia Clarke, Thandiwe Newton, & Joonas Suotamo’s Chewbacca deliver excellent performances, as does Paul Bettany, but the remaining ensemble is forgettable. Case in point: Woody Harrelson is woefully miscast as Solo’s sleazy mentor, as if the film really needed his distinctive star power.
Otherwise, the ultra-expensive F/X are this film’s best component. Had Ehrenreich & Harrelson been effectively replaced, Solo might have lived up to its considerable hype. Then again, having the screenwriters concoct a more worthwhile caper should have been on the priority list, too.
9. Episode II: Attack of the Clones (142 Min.) 2002. Attack’s overwhelming reliance on green-screen technology equates is reminiscent of watching somebody else play a Star Wars video game for 2½ hours. Never has George Lucas’ inability to direct live actors been more disappointingly obvious. Even for die-hards, Clones’ monotony best serves as background noise. One, at least, finally gets some context re: The Clone Wars.
8. Episode I: The Phantom Menace (133 Min.) 1999. Wasting great natural scenery and an arsenal of sophisticated F/X, the first prequel is wholly unnecessary. Sorely missing the original trilogy’s charm and simplicity, the convoluted Phantom Menace is misconceived from the get-go. Eliminating Liam Neeson’s character altogether, a premise exploring Obi-Wan Kenobi’s efforts mentoring a twenty-ish Anakin prior to (or early during) The Clone Wars would have made far more sense.
As with Clones, the biggest eyesore is Lucas’ abject failure capturing spontaneous performances. Case in point: the talented casts of American Graffiti and Episode IV: A New Hope both surpass this obstacle. By comparison, along with youngster Jake Lloyd, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, & Neeson are merely left to flounder. Working off stilted dialogue, the actors’ blank facial reactions spell out that Lucas’ priority, unsurprisingly, was devising his non-stop F/X. Apart from the climatic two-on-one lightsaber duel, Phantom Menace is the easiest Star Wars to snooze through.
7. Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (152 Min.) 2017. Trading Harrison Ford’s enormous shadow for Mark Hamill’s, Last Jedi isn’t much fun to watch. Aside from Rey’s Jedi training, the script’s wild inconsistencies (i.e. what The Force can now do; Leia’s ridiculous space flying; Kylo Ren/Ben Solo’s confusing anti-heroism) will likely test any fan’s patience.
6. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (132 Min.) 1983. Considering the grim plot twists that George Lucas rejected (justifying the original title of Revenge of the Jedi), Return remains the franchise’s great ‘what if.’ Deploying a surplus of ludicrous gimmicks (i.e., the Ewoks, Death Star II, and Luke & Leia’s contrived sub-plot), Return’s kiddie storyline lacks the behind-the-scenes quality control that producer Gary Kurtz and director Irwin Kershner had infused Empire with.
Had they participated, it’s likely that two vital components would be fixed: 1. A competent script that isn’t so blatantly formulaic, as if motivated solely by toy sales; and 2. Kershner could have persuaded Return’s cast (especially an apathetic Ford) to muster their A-game vs. lazily phoning in their performances. It says plenty that cameos by Alec Guinness (hiding his own disdain for Star Wars) and Oz’s Yoda put the listless trio of Ford, Hamill, & a metallic bikini-clad Carrie Fisher to shame.
5. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (133 Min.) 2016. It’s basically Star Wars’ answer to The Dirty Dozen. Rogue One sure isn’t kid-friendly, but, as a plausible prequel to A New Hope, the project lives up to its potential.
4. Episode VII: The Force Awakens (136 Min.) 2015. As much as Force shamelessly retreads New Hope, it’s still a welcome pivot away from the blah prequels. Still, one wonders why J.J. Abrams cast Adam Driver as Han & Leia’s son, considering he resembles neither Ford nor Fisher in the slightest degree (and yet Daisy Ridley logically resembles their what-if daughter). More significantly, the bigger mistake is a tone-deaf capitulation to Ford’s insistence re: Han Solo’s fate. Why would Abrams foolishly one-up what 1994’s Star Trek: Generations does with Captain Kirk?
The same result could have been achieved, had there been a classy rewrite (i.e., without too closely duplicating Obi-Wan Kenobi’s similar demise, a galaxy-weary Solo could have poignantly sacrificed himself to save Rey from his own monstrous son). Otherwise, Daisy Ridley & John Boyega’s energetic contributions, at least, offer sufficient promise of an intriguing sequel trilogy.
3. Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (140 Min) 2005. Burdened by a bleak timeline now set in concrete, the far-fetched Sith is somehow remarkably entertaining. Having wasted Phantom Menace on irrelevant galactic politics (not to mention, Anakin’s childhood), Lucas rushes too much to justify the inevitable finish. Still, Sith outclasses Rise and Return with the franchise’s best action choreography. McGregor’s best prequel performance is another plus.
2. Episode IV: A New Hope (121 Min.) 1977. Keeping in mind the occasionally clunky dialogue, what more really needs to be said? How about this? — George Lucas should thank his lucky stars (literally) that his reliable cast could more or less direct themselves. Everything else contributes to a Hollywood underdog story worthy of its legends.
And, inevitably, the best Star Wars flick is:
1. Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (124 Min.) 1980. Except for a murky timeline (i.e., does the story transpire over a few days? Maybe a few weeks?), Empire is near-flawless entertainment. With Lucas focused on complex production issues, director Irvin Kershner guides the franchise’s best performances into an unforgettable cliffhanger.
Specifically, Kershner’s savviness encouraging ad-libs (i.e., Ford’s carbon freeze sequence) surpasses stilted moments in screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan’s dialogue. This flexibility is priceless vs. the detached outcome of director Richard Marquand filming Lucas & Kasdan’s lackluster Return script as is. If New Hope exemplifies the timeless ‘Peter Pan’ in us all, then Empire reminds viewers that adult repercussions inevitably follow.
In closing, is it a mere coincidence that the original trilogy and the belated sequels follow nearly the exact same trajectory? Besides lifting New Hope’s plot, Force Awakens represents the same style of ‘fun’ popcorn movie. Hence, Empire and Last Jedi are meticulously structured as darker midpoints geared for adults. For whatever reason, Return and Rise are then left pitching recycled hot messes that fall far short of their two predecessors.
As Empire and New Hope confirm, success begins with an inspired script. The dubious alternative is expending a $250+ million budget, and leaving the odds of a first-class epic merely to chance. Just a random thought … thanks for reading!
