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“HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN VS. TED DIBIASE — COAL MINER’S GLOVE-TUXEDO-LOSER LEAVES TOWN-STEEL CAGE MATCH (WWE Entertainment: Taped March 22, 1985)

SUMMARY:                                          RUNNING TIME: 14 Min.

Filmed by Mid-South Wrestling (later known as the UWF — Universal Wrestling Federation), the match occurs on March 22, 1985, in Houston, Texas, at the Sam Houston Coliseum.  The loaded-up stipulations are: it’s a coal miner’s glove, tuxedo (where the wrestlers rip each other’s tuxedos off) steel cage match where the loser gets out of town, or more likely, a vacation, for thirty days.  As perennial rivals/ex-friends, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan (in a white tux) faces off vs. “The Big Cheese” Ted DiBiase (in a black tux). It’s left to announcer Jim Ross to call the shots (literally) at ringside.  The match appears on the WWE’s 2013 Legends of Mid-South Wrestling DVD and Blu-Ray sets. 

Note: In 1987, both Duggan and DiBiase separately left the UWF for WWE to enjoy the biggest runs in their prospective careers.

REVIEW:

If there’s an everything-but-the-kitchen sink-style match in pro wrestling, then this one likely has it.  Ironically, the only cartoony aspect of this slugfest is its outrageous rules.  What viewers actually get is a somewhat bloody, knockdown brawl in a cheapo steel cage seemingly made out of playground monkey bars.  The macho action is fairly good (minus watching two guys stripping each other) — but there’s no mistaking that neither Duggan nor DiBiase (at the time, saddled with an unimaginative nickname) were allowed to play up much, if any, charisma.  Case in point: compare this showdown to their glitzy WrestleMania IV bout from March 1988 — DiBiase & Duggan’s formulaic wrestling there is okay, but their exaggerated in-ring personas are genuinely entertaining.

Still, for fans of these wrestling icons, the nostalgia of seeing them in their pre-WWE prime makes this bout worth watching.  Maybe this gritty skirmish isn’t meant for repetitive viewing, but the stipulations alone are a hoot.

BRIAN’S ODD MOON RATING:                        6 Stars

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41-MAN BATTLE ROYALE (WWE Smackdown: Taped October 14, 2011)

SUMMARY:                                RUNNING TIME: Est. 30:00 Min.

Airing on the October 14th, 2011 edition of Smackdown, its new on-screen GM, John Laurinaitis, hypes the biggest battle royale in history to celebrate reaching more episodes than Gunsmoke.  He would further claim that Smackdown is the second-longest running episodic TV series in history behind WWE’s RAW — keep in mind that, for instance, The Simpsons (and countless soap operas) can easily dispute such bragging. 

A notable match stipulation is that the winner could pick between a match against either World Champion at the moment: Alberto Del Rio or Mark Henry.  Included in these festivities are former and future World Champions, such as CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, The Miz, Christian, Sheamus, and Randy Orton.  The other contestants represent the three WWE brands: RAW, Smackdown, and NXT.

REVIEW:

Considering there’s about a half-hour worth of action, this one just isn’t that great. A disappointment is a lack of main eventers, like The Undertaker, John Cena, Kane, or Triple H, so only one entrant realistically has a shot at the gold.  Besides, it’s ignored that Christian never went over the top rope.  Christian would be chased down by Sheamus, but Christian actually rolls under the bottom rope.  Anyway, a predictable ending isn’t justified by the commentators completely ignoring the obvious choice.  Playing a heel, Michael Cole, along with Josh Matthews and Booker T, throw jibes at each other, but it’s a distraction to the actual match.  Their banter ends up only mentioning who gets eliminated half the time.  It’s not really bad viewing, but the scripted ending feels too easy to predict.  This battle royale, accordingly, is an afterthought for a reason.

ROSCOE’S ODD MOON RATING:                      6 Stars

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UNDERTAKER & ROMAN REIGNS VS. DREW MCINTYRE & SHANE MCMAHON (WWE EXTREME RULES 2019: Taped July 14, 2019)

SUMMARY:                                    RUNNING TIME: 21:57 Min.

As part of the Extreme Rules 2019 undercard, The Undertaker would make an emphatic return to team up with ‘The Big Dog’ to go up against Drew McIntyre and Shane ‘O Mac.  Michael Cole, Renee Young, and Corey Graves call the action.  The match was held on July 14, 2019 in the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. This bout appears on WWE’s Extreme Rules 2019 DVD and Blu-Ray sets.    

REVIEW:

If only for The Undertaker, this match is worth watching.  It shouldn’t come as a surprise that this bout was almost The Phenom’s last because that’s just how great he did.  Despite being in his mid-50s, he does the best out of the four.  Reigns, though a star in his own right, becomes a side attraction, with his only true offense being a right- handed upper-cut. Almost like that one friend who spams the punch button on a video game, Reigns uses about three or four moves through the entire match. 

Thankfully, The Undertaker dishes out most of the team’s offense. ‘Old School,’ ‘Snake Eyes,’ the choke-slam, you name it,  The Deadman’s greatest hits are all put on display in this bout.  Undertaker’s selling is just as good, too. For a good five minutes, he gets dragged around the ring by his opponents, with multiple points in the bout that leaves anyone questioning how he can still wrestle at such a high level.  For anyone wanting an older Undertaker match, this is arguably his best from his sporadic matches between 2016-2020.

With a run-in midway through the bout, this ends up feeling like a 3-on-1 handicap match, with Reigns knocked unconscious. This, however, shouldn’t take away from McIntyre or McMahon’s own performances.  Shane hits multiple WrestleMania-worthy spots, and it really shows what lengths he’s willing to go to put on a show.  As for Drew, it’s not a bad performance, but his, like Reigns, is an afterthought behind The Undertaker. He hits a few Claymores, throws a few punches, but he acts as little more than Shane’s waterboy, and that says something.

Is this match worth watching?  Definitely!  I know it sounds like it’s all about Undertaker’s performance, but that’s really all there is to it.  For a match that was on a secondary PPV like Extreme Rules, this match warrants a spot on any Big Four card — those being WrestleMania, SummerSlam, The Royal Rumble, and Survivor Series. The best part is, at the end of the match, Undertaker says, “It’s your yard now.”  Talk about really putting the exclamation point on this one.  Pure brilliance!

ROSCOE’S ODD MOON RATING:              8 Stars

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HULK HOGAN VS. “NATURE BOY” RIC FLAIR — NO-DQ WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH (WWE Monday Night RAW: Taped May 13, 2002)

SUMMARY:                     RUNNING TIME: Approx. 10 Min.

At a Monday Night RAW taping on May 13, 2002, in Toronto, without any prior build-up, these legends meet yet again. For the first time since 1993, Hogan had just recently regained the title in a three-way clash vs. Triple H and Shawn Michaels at Backlash 2002. Playing himself up as the storyline co-owner of RAW, “Nature Boy” Ric Flair challenges the new WWE World Champion, “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan.   

The commentators are Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler.  

Note: At the time, Flair was 53 years old – Hogan was 48.

REVIEW:

In fairness, it’s a rare opportunity to see Hogan vs. Flair contesting the WWE Title for the first time since Late 1991-early 92, as their early encounters were deliberately inconclusive.  Ironically, they were setting up a pivotal WrestleMania VIII title showdown back then … which never happened, as Hogan opted to ‘retire’ amidst the WWE’s ongoing steroid scandal.  

This particular 2002 bout is among the few times that these two wrestling icons clashed in the WWE after their rival WCW imploded.  However, watching Hogan & Flair here, when their combined age is now a century, is the wrestling equivalent of the aging Three Stooges in their best-forgotten 1950’s Columbia shorts.  The same, old slapstick gags/clichés are half-heartedly served up yet again, but their tired execution falls well short of their prime.

With a run time of only ten minutes, no one would have realistically expected an all-time classic.  The bout’s sped-up pacing tries hiding that the “Nature Boy” and the Hulkster are far past their respective primes. 

Reminiscent of old TV re-runs, fans will sense when certain pet moves they’ve seen a thousand times or more are coming — i.e. Flair’s upside-down turnbuckle flip-and-run or a far larger Hogan being tossed through the ropes to the floor.  Or, for that matter, Hogan brazenly blowing off Flair’s standard-issue offense … or a series of ridiculous late match run-ins to muddle an already-crummy match.  Hence, it’s the ghostly vibes of WCW Monday Nitro at its worst all over again.  

As was often the case with Nitro, this slugfest isn’t worth ten minutes of breathing.  To the shock of no contemporary fan, the outcome doesn’t remotely impact WWE’s next Pay-Per-View: Judgment Day 2002.  Its existence is completely forgettable, short of pitting Hogan vs. Flair ten years too late for the WWE World Championship. 

ROSCOE’S ODD MOON RATING:                    4 Stars

Note: For a satisfying Hogan vs. Flair title showdown, there’s Hogan’s first-ever WCW match back in mid-1994.  Facing Flair for the WCW World Title at Bash at the Beach in Orlando, FL, this clash is a greatest-hits medley.  In terms of its extra star power, ‘Sensational’ Sherri valets for Flair, while the Hulkster’s ringside entourage consists of Jimmy Hart, Mr. T, and Shaquille O’Neal. The match is available on a Hulk Hogan DVD set released by WWE. 

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HART FOUNDATION VS. THE ISLANDERS – WWE WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH (WWE Entertainment: Taped February/March 1987)

SUMMARY:                                         RUNNING TIME: 21 Min.

Filmed by the WWE in March 1987 (or possibly February 28, 1987), this Philadelphia Spectrum house showdown pits WWE World Tag Team Champions The Hart Foundation (Bret “Hitman” Hart & Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart) vs. The Islanders (Haku & Tama).  At ringside are the Harts’ manager, Jimmy Hart, and their new associate: evil ex-referee Danny Davis.  The two ringside commentators are unidentified, but they are evidently the Spectrum’s PRISM Network in-house team.

The match also appears on the WWE’s 2013 Bret Hart: The Dungeon Collection DVD and Blu-Ray sets. 

REVIEW:

Aside from viewing a Harts vs. Islanders battle as a rare opportunity, this title match demonstrates that the WWF’s 1987 tag team scene was very much at the top of its game.  All four competitors (with an assist from Davis) deliver solid performances, as it’s a shame that Tama & Haku weren’t given a high-profile push sooner. 

Note: After missing out on WrestleMania III, the Islanders excelled at the 1987 Survivor Series as Bobby Heenan’s new heel team. Yet, they were ultimately demoted to a dognapping angle with The British Bulldogs for March 1988’s WrestleMania IV, which was the Islanders’ last real hurrah.

The fact that The Islanders was excluded from WrestleMania III less than a month after this pretty good match speaks volumes.  Still, the Hart Foundation’s own progress as new World Tag Team Champions gets the right kind of polish here.  For that matter, even the low-key commentators (whoever they are) are surprisingly above-average, though they confusingly misidentify Tama as Haku and vice-versa.

The one downside is that, unsurprisingly, this tag bout relies on house show formula where the same finish was likely recycled most nights.

Note: Amusingly enough, the announcers mention that the Spectrum’s main event that night would be WWE World Champion Hulk Hogan & “Rowdy” Roddy Piper vs. Kamala & “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff.  It’s a good bet that, in terms of tag action, the Harts and the Islanders outclassed them.

BRIAN’S ODD MOON RATING:                        7 Stars

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UNDERTAKER VS. TRIPLE H – “HELL IN A CELL” (WWE WRESTLEMANIA 28: Taped April 1, 2012)

SUMMARY:                           RUNNING TIME: Approx. 31 Min. +

In a sequel to their brutal encounter at WrestleMania 27, this WrestleMania rematch one year later pits Triple H against the Undertaker in what could quite possibly be The Game’s most iconic match.  Shawn Michaels steps in to referee this Hell-in-a-Cell cage match. From Sun Life Stadium in Miami, Florida, on April 1, 20212, Jim Ross, Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler, and Michael Cole call the action in this ‘End of an Era’ bout.

As for the match’s run time, when looking at it from the entrance of Shawn Michaels to the mesmerizing finish, it lasts a whopping 50:22. However, in terms of actual ring time, the match goes for 30:40.  Calling it a slobber-knocker would be an understatement! This match appears on the WrestleMania 28 DVD and Blu-Ray sets.

REVIEW:

Though Triple H has a reputation for not jobbing to many, he sells very well here.. Not to say that he doesn’t get his fair share of offense, but it takes a while. “A vile, vicious, malicious attack,” as called by J.R., sums up what lengths The Cerebral Assassin is willing to go to prevail.  In total, Triple H performs about five moves that aren’t in conjunction with a foreign object. This could show a lack of wrestling skill or maybe his will to win, but, either way, The Game doesn’t impress from an in-ring standpoint. Maybe it’s him getting carried up the rampway, then a cut above his eye, or showing just pure exhaustion, Triple H does pull off acting skills that makes anyone wonder why he didn’t co-star alongside The Rock in The Tooth Fairy. In all seriousness, however, he does a great job conveying the battle-tested veteran finally meeting his toughest match.

The Undertaker has had arguably the greatest career in pro wrestling history. Decades after decades of consistent gold, this classic shows that even while pushing 50, he can still look like the most dominant force in the company. With hard hitting strikes and ruthless aggression, he looks like he wants to send Triple H home on a stretcher. Though not as heavily reliant on weapons as Triple H, Undertaker’s relentless rights and lefts make up most of his offense. 

Despite having the durability of a slice of soggy bread, Shawn Michaels contributes to makes this match great.  Sure, he isn’t wrestling, but his facial expressions and reactions truly convey someone with as many mixed emotions as he has. His distressed/torn apart look is probably the best part of the bout.  Does Shawn align himself with his friend Triple H?  Or does he side with The Undertaker … the same man who retired him just two years prior? It keeps anyone guessing as to what The Heartbreak Kid will do next!

WrestleMania XVIII is the best-selling WWE PPV in history, and this match clearly shows why.  On its surface, this match is a slow-paced, half-hour brawl heavy on weaponry.  Yet, all of this doesn’t matter. The so-called ‘End of an Era’ earns its hype, as this brawl marked the last time Triple H or The Undertaker performed at an exceptionally high level.  Now, yes, they could’ve looked good because the match is fixated on weapons rather than wrestling, but they both come out better than they did coming in.  Even when, at times, it oozes of WWE’s scripted stench, this slugfest should be on anyone’s WrestleMania radar!

ROSCOE’S ODD MOON RATING:                    8 Stars

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BRET “HITMAN” HART VS. “MR. PERFECT CURT HENNIG (WWE Entertainment: Taped April 29, 1989)

SUMMARY:                             RUNNING TIME: 25 MIN.

Filmed by the WWE on/about April 29, 1989, at a house show at Toronto’s Maple Leaf Gardens, it’s Bret “Hitman” Hart vs. “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig.  “Gorilla” Monsoon and “Lord” Alfred Hayes are the commentators – it’s possible that they recorded voice-overs for this match, since they aren’t actually visible on-screen at ringside. 

The match is included on the WWE’s 2013 Bret Hart: The Dungeon Collection DVD and Blu-Ray sets. 

REVIEW:

As Hart attests in his autobiography, he and Hennig, as second-generation performers in their prime, were so evenly matched (and worked safely together) that their WWE house show battles made for professional bliss.  It’s no wonder that their chemistry could steal a house show’s audience from the main event on any given night.  Including their standard-issue finish (or maybe just a slight variation of it), this particular showcase is no exception. 

Hennig (i.e. his sheer athleticism; a few of his patented flops/pratfalls) demonstrates why he was the best technical heel in North America in 1989 – with the possible exception of the NWA’s Ric Flair.  Noticeably, Hennig’s ‘Mr. Perfect’ gimmick is still in development, as his in-ring style here resembles his 1987-88 heel run as AWA World Champion.    

Still a part-time singles performer at this juncture, Hart already exudes the legendary presence he would have in the 90’s.  Unsurprisingly, this showdown (including some friction after the bell) is a terrific prelude to their Intercontinental Title showdown at SummerSlam 1991, in spite of Hennig’s real-life back injury.  A subtle bonus is that Monsoon & Hayes playfully nail their commentary track observing these guys work with methodical precision. 

Considering the match doesn’t embrace the WWE’s cartoony style, this low-key Hart vs. Hennig battle is a treat for fans.

BRIAN’S ODD MOON RATING:                     8 Stars

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Digital Movies & TV Movies & Television (Videos) Online Videos THREE STOOGES-Related TV Episodes & Movies TV Series (Specific Episodes)

THREE STOOGES: “JERKS OF ALL TRADES” (1949 ABC TV PILOT)

SUMMARY:          Running Time: 21:00 Min. (Black & White)

Directed by George McCahan, this obscure ABC TV pilot envisioned the Stooges as inept handymen bumbling their way through a new odd job each week.  Columbia Pictures (as the Stooges’ big-screen employer) opposed this would-be venture as a breach of contract.  Hence, the one-and-done “Jerks” remained unavailable to the public for approximately fifty years.  

As crackpot interior decorators, the Stooges send uptight would-be client, Mr. Pennyfeather, literally out the door with their hard-nosed antics.  Pennyfeather’s equally-snobby wife unknowingly hires the trio for the same gig.  They’re supposed to repaint and roll out fresh wallpaper in the Pennyfeathers’ living room to impress her husband’s boss for a dinner party that evening.  Moe, Larry, & Shemp turn the couple’s home improvement project into a full-blown disaster zone.      

Moe: Moe Howard

Larry: Larry Fine

Shemp: Shemp Howard

Mr. Pennyfeather: Emil Sitka

Mrs. Pennyfeather: Symona Boniface

Mr. Phink: Dink Trout

Announcer: Uncredited

REVIEW:

Yikes!  It’s a dreadful effort from Moe, Larry, & Shemp.  Ironically, by blocking “Jerks” for a half-century, Columbia Pictures did the aging Stooges a back-handed favor.  “Jerks,” had it been released, might well have inflicted permanent damage to the Stooges’ future TV prospects.  Instead, less than ten years later, Screen Gems’ gradual release of the Stooges’ old Columbia shorts to TV syndication skyrocketed the trio’s popularity with a new generation of fans.  

Still, this pilot’s undemanding premise for a weekly series makes sense, particularly in the Golden Age of Television.  “Jerks,” however, is sabotaged by inexplicably poor execution.  Case in point: the Stooges’ awkward mugging introducing themselves to the camera in the opening moments foretells how bad this show will be.  From that point on, amateurish production gaffes: i.e. a weak script, poor cinematography, and the Stooges’ tired performances makes the cheapo-looking “Jerks” a total waste of twenty minutes.  Sadly, watching “Jerks” in its entirety seems far longer.  

Entertaining a live studio audience (or maybe it’s a rudimentary laugh track), the Stooges are forced to cram together far too many bland schtick routines.  Capable of big laughs, veteran Stooge foils Emil Sitka and Symona Boniface are reduced to merely looking mortified and/or appalled.  Dink Trout’s amusing pressure-cooker salesman (especially, his cartoony voice) should have helped, but his cameo role is stretched far past its welcome.    

Given the right creative elements, “Jerks of All Trades” should have been a savvy career move for the Stooges.  The opposite sadly occurs — in comparison to their better Columbia misadventures, “Jerks” comes off as a Stooge eyesore best forgotten.

Note: In the early 1970’s, the Stooges (Moe, Larry, & Joe DeRita) tried again with a scenic TV venture entitled Kook’s Tour.  Once more, it never actually aired — as Larry Fine’s career-ending stroke, during the pilot’s filming, effectively retired the Stooges.  

BRIAN’S ODD MOON RATING: 3 Stars

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Agatha Christie-Related Digital Movies & TV International/Foreign-Language Films Movies & Television (Videos) Mystery & Suspense

AGATHA CHRISTIE’S TEN LITTLE INDIANS (1989)

SUMMARY:                   Running Time: 1 Hr., 38 Min.  

Filmed on location in South Africa, this 1989 Cannon Films remake is directed by Alan Birkinshaw.  Agatha Christie’s suspense thriller is now re-imagined taking place in a remote African safari during the mid-1930’s.  Like the original 1945 film adaptation and two subsequent remakes, some character details have been altered while loosely adapting Christie’s classic mystery. 

For instance, the novel’s self-righteous British spinster Emily Brent is now the fussy, middle-aged American actress, Marion Marshall. The names and nationalities of the general and the doctor have also been altered without actually changing their personalities. Hence, the characters from Christie’s novel/stage play are mostly intact, including their alleged crimes. One oddity, as a comparison to other versions, is that this group of ten now inexplicably consists of a composite of Americans, Central Europeans, and the British.

Soon isolated by a native tribe and with their radio disabled, the ten bewildered guests are trapped as human prey for their unseen host: U.N. Owen.  Owen’s predatory reliance on the “Ten Little Indians” nursery rhyme foretells their doom., with the lyrics being noticeably emphasized this time.  Not only is their camp surrounded by dangerous jungle wildlife (i.e. tigers and lions), these captives are subsequently executed one-by-one for ghastly crimes they are accused of committing.  Can anyone evade Owen’s bloodthirsty wrath?    

Judge Wargrave: Donald Pleasance

Marion Marshall: Brenda Vaccaro   

General Romensky: Herbert Lom

Vera Claythorne: Sarah Maur Thorp

Capt. Phillip Lombard / Jack Hutchinson: Frank Stallone

Blore: Warren Berlinger

Dr. Werner: Yehuda Efroni

Elmo Rodgers: Paul L. Smith

Mrs. Rodgers: Moira Lister

Anthony James Marston: Neil McCarthy

U.N. Owen’s Voice: Uncredited

Notes: Producer Harry Alan Towers actually filmed Ten Little Indians” three times: the other instances being 1965 and 1974.  Set in a wintry chalet in the Alps, his 1965 black-and-white “Ten Little Indians” stars Hugh O’Brian & Shirley Eaton.  Using “And Then There Were None” and, in some alternate versions, “Ten Little Indians,” as the title, his 1974 version is set at an abandoned hotel in the Iranian desert, where Herbert Lom portrays the doctor amongst an all-European cast. 

Of interest is how Towers’ increasingly muddled remakes mixes-and-matches with both Christie’s novel and her stage play, the semi-parody 1945 film, and inevitably his own 1965 film’s plot variations and name changes.     

REVIEW:

Any residual shock value dating back to 1945’s And Then There Were None has long since evaporated.  Filmed on the cheap, some authentic scenery delivers this 1989 clunker’s sole asset – a possible second is a ham-fisted effort trying to convey the bone-chilling horror of Christie’s novel (ironically, the film’s credits only reference her sanitized stage play). 

What’s devoid from this somewhat grisly potboiler is any semblance of deductive reasoning by the captives/suspects or even a believable descent into cold fear/paranoia amongst the dwindling survivors. For that matter, why exactly the killer chose these specific targets is ignored. Case in point: when this U.N. Owen’s captives all too thinly reveal their past sins, no one bothers to question their accounts – worse yet, Lombard’s backstory once again isn’t even provided.

Additional missteps in basic logic effectively sabotage this film (i.e. Why do the supposedly human-hungry lions and tigers briefly seen early in the film evidently vanish?  Given the limited technology of the 1930’s, how could this U.N. Owen have researched all these old crimes in different countries? Aside from Christie’s convenient ‘twists’ aiding the culprit, the film’s variations bungle them in such ways where it’s likely impossible to commit at least one of the murders.).  Such unforced gaffes subsequently ground Christie’s iconic whodunnit into pulpy cinematic sludge.   

As for the cast’s performances, it’s a mixed bag.  Hollywood veterans Pleasence, Berlinger, Lom, and, to a degree, the young Maur Thorp (resembling Elizabeth Perkins) are watchable – give them some credit for trying.  Of them, Lom reliably makes the most of his limited screen time while Pleasence knows how to play subtle creepiness. Of minimal help to them is George S. Clinton’s passable musical score that lends some sense of a period piece mystery the film sought to be.  

As for the other castmates: Stallone, Vaccaro, Efroni, Lister (eerily resembling Gilligan Island’s Mrs. Howell, no less), McCarthy, and Smith’s clichéd aura of menace all hover between underwhelming to eye-rolling, amateur hour-caliber performances.  Usually an extra in his older brother’s movies, Stallone is dubiously cast as a romantic stock hero in the mold of Allan Quatermain.  Yet, his bland macho presence still surpasses veteran character actress Vacarro, who disappoints in a paycheck-only effort.        

Watching this theatrical flop is really about the curiosity factor, if anything.  The question is: how much patience should Christie’s fans muster?  Enduring this dreck once is plenty, but its potential (i.e. the safari novelty) for a better film is sporadically visible.  Otherwise, this Ten Little Indians is convincing proof of Hollywood’s law of diminishing returns — too many remakes inevitably erode masterpieces into formulaic schlock. 

Note: For a suspenseful “Ten Little Indians”-type safari, try 1996’s “The Ghost and The Darkness,” starring Val Kilmer & Michael Douglas.

BRIAN’S ODD MOON RATING: 2 Stars

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TEN LITTLE INDIANS (aka AGATHA CHRISTIE’S TEN LITTLE INDIANS) (1965)

SUMMARY:       Running Time: 1 Hr., 29 Min. (Black & White)

Directed by George Pollock, this retitled 1965 remake (of 1945’s And Then There Were None) shifts Agatha Christie’s secluded Indian Island to a wintry mountain chalet, presumably in the Austrian Alps.  As the prior film did, some character names, nationalities, and/or their crimes are altered in a loose adaptation of Agatha Christie’s stage play of her own classic novel. 

For instance, secretary Vera Claythorne is now ‘Ann Clyde,’ while condescending middle-aged British spinster Emily Brent is replaced by a glamorous German movie star.  Obnoxiously stupid British playboy Anthony Marston (in the 1945 film, he is a boozy, free-loading Russian expatriate) is now Fabian’s obnoxious American crooner ‘Mike Raven.’  Likewise, the names of the judge and the servant couple have been modified to better suit the actors.  

Transported by train, sleigh ride, and then gondola, eight strangers attend a weekend house party—isolating them at least fifteen miles from the nearest village.  Left to entertain themselves, the guests and the married servant couple are mortified by accusations of ghastly crimes from the ominously recorded voice of their absent host, ‘U.N. Owen.’ 

Adhering to revised lyrics of the “Ten Little Indians” nursery rhyme (a copy of which appears in each guest’s room), the ten captives are subsequently murdered, one by one.  Alliances will be made, but will anyone evade a predator’s vengeful wrath?    

Hugh Lombard: Hugh O’Brian

Ann Clyde: Shirley Eaton   

William Henry Blore: Stanley Holloway

Dr. Edward Armstrong: Dennis Price

Ilona Bergen: Daliah Lavi

Judge Arthur Cannon: Wilfrid Hyde-White

Herr Grohmann: Mario Adorf

General John Mandrake: Leo Genn

Frau Grohmann: Marianne Hoppe

Narrator: Bill Mitchell

U.N. Owen’s Voice: Christopher Lee (uncredited)

Note: One of the film’s producers, Harry Alan Towers, remade this same movie twice more — once in 1974 (reverting to the British title of “And Then Were There None”), with an ‘all-star’ European cast in an Iranian desert locale.  The last Towers remake is a cut-rate 1989 rehash set amidst a 1930’s South African safari.  The 1989 title is switched back to “Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians.”  Of interest is how these increasingly muddled remakes insist on mixing-and-matching Christie’s source material, the 1945 film, and this 1965 film’s own plot variations and name changes.     

REVIEW:

Viewing this remake, either in comparison to its classy 1945 predecessor, or strictly on its own merits, the result is still the same.  Unlike And Then There Were None’s droll black comedy charm, 1965’s incarnation blandly rolls through its motions geared for a different generation that is more attuned to Sean Connery’s James Bond films. 

Replacing the original film’s witty banter, sensuality (i.e. implied sex) and gritty violence (i.e. a destroyed cable car; a lengthy fistfight) are weakly substituted in, if only for sensationalism’s sake.  Further, this cast’s wooden chemistry doesn’t help – for instance, Blore, the general, the judge, and the doctor blend far too much together as the older British guests.  As Dr. Armstrong, Dennis Price, in particular, is guilty of an apathetic, reading-off-the-script performance.  

Stanley Holloway and Wilfrid Hyde-White gradually assert themselves as Blore and the judge, as their work becomes the film’s best asset.  The same doesn’t apply to romantic co-leads Hugh O’Brian and Shirley Eaton.  While Goldfinger’s Eaton has a likable screen presence, her one-dimensional ‘Ann Clyde’ is merely a blonde damsel-in-distress.  O’Brian’s macho engineer shares hardly any resemblance with Christie’s scoundrel, Phillip Lombard, short of the same last name.  

Another stale re-imagining is Fabian’s mercifully brief role.  Overplaying the smug ‘Mike Raven,’ Fabian appears out of his acting league.  Case in point: he delivers one the most amateurish-looking death scenes in movie history.  Dalilah Lavi’s effort is marginally better, but her conceited ‘Ilona Bergen’ is an unnecessary (and far younger) substitute for the morally shrewish Emily Brent. 

As the ill-tempered servant couple, Marianne Hoppe and Mario Adorf are the most compelling, largely because they are the only ones conveying a believable sense of panic.  Portraying the volatile ‘Grohmann,’ Adorf at least brings a new variant to Christie’s storyline.  

Note: Curiously, despite playing the butler, Adorf resembles the novel’s physical description of Blore. Had Adorf switched roles with the affable Holloway (and instead making it a Lombard/Blore fistfight), that might have inspired a welcome boost to the script.      

The unremarkable changes re: the killer’s methods can be shrugged off … that is, with a notable exception.  One death pits the syringe-packing killer slowly closing in on another hapless victim – who doesn’t bother screaming or even make a token effort of resistance (supposedly, this wide-awake character is just too terrified).  No matter how the director rationalized it, this sequence is a ludicrous Hollywood ‘homicide.’  Another element that sabotages suspense is composer-conductor Malcolm Lockyer’s inability to shift his misguided jazzy score into something appropriately menacing.    

A final straw is the goofy ‘whodunnit?’ interactive time-out at the climax where an unseen narrator implores viewers to guess the culprit.  Let’s dismiss this ridiculous intrusion as a best-forgotten 1960’s Hollywood gimmick.  Despite its surplus of weaknesses, this take on Ten Little Indians still isn’t half-bad by comparison. 

Think of this way: between Towers’ three remakes (1965, 1974, and 1989), sliding into mediocrity becomes inevitable.  It’s really the fallacy of excessive recycling.  By that reckoning, 1965’s Ten Little Indians ranking second-best to the original film is a back-handed compliment.             

BRIAN’S ODD MOON RATING: 6 Stars

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