SUMMARY: RUNNING TIME: 1 Hour, 33 Min.
From Aaron Spelling’s production company, this obscure TV mystery-comedy premiered on ABC-TV on May 21, 1980. Roger Duchowny directed the project off veteran TV screenwriter Ron Friedman’s script.
Mimicking 1976’s big-screen Murder By Death (which parodied Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, Sam Spade, Charlie Chan, and Nick & Nora Charles), this spoof targets popular 1970’s American TV cops-and-robbers: i.e. Baretta; Columbo and its short-lived spin-off, Mrs. Columbo; Policewoman; McCloud; Starsky & Hutch; Ironside; and Kojak. Even the signature TV theme songs are briefly imitated introducing these goofy counterparts.
Outlandishly disposing of one high-profile Los Angeles undercover sleuth, the nefarious ‘Man in White’ has now declared war on L.A.’s various ‘super-cops.’ Assembling to tackle their common enemy, these bumbling police detectives soon realize they are being targeted for humiliating elimination – one by one.
Ostensibly under Lt. Nojack’s (MacLeod) command, it’s a matter of getting their investigative teamwork together while evading screwball death traps to apprehend this sinister assassin before it’s too late. The question becomes: who gets whom first?
To spell out the movie’s tongue-in-cheek vibe, a cartoony band-aid adorns the opening logo. As a figurative last gag, there’s even a swipe at Dragnet actor-producer Jack Webb’s signature ‘Mark VII Limited’ logo.
The Cast (plus the TV program the character parodies)
The Man in White: Mitchell Kreindel
Officer Pony Lambretta: Tony Danza (Baretta)
Chickie Baby the Parrot (voice only): Mel Blanc (Baretta)
Mrs. Serafina/Seraphina Palumbo: Liz Torres (Columbo/Mrs. Columbo)
Inspector Palumbo: Burt Young (Columbo)
Palumbo’s Bloodhound: Uncredited (Columbo)
Sgt. Salty Sanderson: Connie Stevens (Policewoman)
Sheriff Tim MacSkye: Buck Owens (McCloud)
Det. Studsky: Jamie Farr (Starsky & Hutch)
Det. Len ‘Hatch’ Hatchington: John Byner (Starsky & Hutch)
Chief Ironbottom: Victor Buono (Ironside)
Parks the Pusher: Jimmie Walker (Ironside)
Lt. Nojack: Gavin MacLeod (Kojak)
Detective Starkos: Marty Allen (Kojak)
Mr. Burnice: Richard Deacon
Raquel the Prostitute: Gunilla Hutton
Marilyn the Prostitute: E. Wetta Little
Sophia the Prostitute: Tessa Richarde
Miss Virgina Trickwood: Roz Kelly
Willie the Wino: Mason Adams
Salty’s Arrested Thug: Michael DeLano
Willie’s Physician: Allen Case
Uniformed Cop: Jack Lindline
Truck Driver: W.T. Zacha
Fitzhugh the Butler: Colin Hamilton
Wealthy Couple: Carle Bensen & Harriet Medin
Candy Store Owner: Iris Adrian
‘Girls:’ Linda Lawrence & Kathy Clarke
Studsky & Hatch’s Hot Tub Dates: Uncredited
‘Stunner:’ Tanya Boyd
Other Prostitutes: Twink Caplan & Muffi Durham
Miss Trickwood’s Additional Prostitutes: Uncredited
Narrator (voice only): Don Adams
Note: Another possible inspiration might be 1977’s ITV comedy, The Strange Case of The End of Civilisation As We Know It. This British mystery-parody co-stars Fawlty Towers’ John Cleese and Connie Booth. Primarily spoofing Sherlock Holmes, other famed sleuths ridiculed are: Hercule Poirot; Sam Spade; Samuel McCloud; Lt. Columbo; Hawaii 5-0’s Steve McGarrett; and James Bond.
REVIEW:
At least it’s one less insult to a viewer’s intelligence that this misguided live-action cartoon doesn’t resort to a TV laugh track. Still, suffering through such dreck is a stark reminder of how iconic films tend to inspire a glut of TV copycats (especially for that era) – no matter how directly.
Whether it be Star Wars – Episode IV: A New Hope vs. the original Battlestar Galactica; Smokey and The Bandit vs. The Dukes of Hazzard and B.J. and The Bear; Hooper vs. The Fall Guy; or even Tron vs. Automan, etc., the odds of these TV knock-offs equaling, let alone surpassing their big-screen inspirations were invariably nil. Let be said Murder Can Hurt You! gives even the worst knock-offs a bad name.
Given its ultra-silly premise, eye-rolling slapstick, and moronic puns posing as character names, the blatant rip-off titled Murder Can Hurt You! only bolsters Murder By Death’s stature as a comedy-spoof classic. Neil Simon’s satiric wit, Robert Moore’s first-rate direction, and the chemistry of a game (mostly all-star) cast make Murder By Death – though it’s somewhat risqué – a gimmicky whodunnit worth multiple viewings. Aside from the film’s assortment of wacky gags, a second viewing or more is likely necessary just to catch all the clever jibes aimed at detective story clichés.
Murder Can Hurt You!, by comparison, lazily squanders good TV talent on a witless script and even more idiotic execution (pardon the expression). Lame caricatures of iconic TV cops, not to mention minimal compatibility in this cast, makes watching Murder Can Hurt You! an unnecessarily grim chore. What might have sufficed for a few chuckles as a Saturday Night Live or SCTV skit is excessively stretched out to feature-length proportions
Even Aaron Spelling’s usually reliable production values fall far short, as if the fake backdrop scenery is embarrassed to be associated with such a cheap, made-for-TV fiasco. Beyond cashing a paycheck, one is hard-pressed to fathom what possible artistic merit this cast imagined the script’s insipid game of misdirection possessed. For instance, the ‘detective’s decrepit clubhouse’ scenes, or, worse yet, the balloon factory sequence, should have been instantly red-flagged by any competent talent agent.
Deeming this whodunnit retread as TV’s answer to Murder By Death is far too literal considering Simon’s ingenious concept is swiped down to the last plot twist. Hence, a concluding message condemning how sexist American television has unfairly neglected female cops and detectives is wasted.
Speaking of pathetic irony, the less the said the better of Connie Stevens’ over-sexed ‘policewoman,’ not to mention, of the plot’s nonsense parading a bevy of PG-friendly prostitutes. There’s no point debating this program’s inconsistency supposedly advocating women’s equality while shamelessly degrading them for bottom-of-the-barrel chuckles.
Murder Can Hurt You!, suffice to say, is far too stupid to qualify for an it’s-so-bad-it’s-funny tag. It instead merits a dubious spot on a list of the worst-ever TV movie eyesores.
BRIAN’S ODD MOON RATING: 1½ Stars
Note: As an early 80’s alternative, there is the Zucker Brothers’ short-lived Police Squad TV series. It was subsequently rebooted six years after cancellation into 1988’s The Naked Gun: From The Files of Police Squad, plus two subsequent sequels.
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